Agh!! I am so stressed!! I have 5 essays to write!! Wah!!!!

I'm a really pessimistic person. So how do you get optimistic? I have a such a bleak out look on everything. How can someone change that if that's been my mindset for years?

I think I'm abnormal. I'm eighteen and I've never had a boyfriend. When's the right time? How will I know it's not my hormones and infatuation?

I was walking in the hall one day and this guy looks me up and down as I innocently pass by to the library. And then he does this creepy whisper "Asian girls are hot!" And then he did it again when I came out of the library! What the heck is wrong with people? Not only that. I'm really flexible, like freakishly so (you can see from my photos) and that seems to get me unwanted attention from guys. One guy said "You wanna experiment?" No I do not!! Or I hear crap like "5 dolla" or "Lub you long time!!" God, boys are so rude. No wonder I've never dated.

Social delicacies and morals constrain us so much. It's almost ridiculous. For example one of my best friends likes my younger brother but she won't act upon it because she is one grade older and she's afraid to see how her friends will react. I personally don't mind but I guess other people would probably look at her differently. I used to feel really restrained like that too, well, I still do but I've managed to get past the worst of it. Has anyone ever read "Ethan Frome?" It's such a sad story of love. Ethan loves Mattie but is unable to act upon his love for her because he is married and feels guilty that he wants to leave his wife Zeena. So him and Mattie try to commit suicide to stay together. It doesn't work out though. It's one of Edith Wharton's best novels, you should read it sometime.

I'm a military brat born in a foriegn country so I have no residency anywhere in the states. I'm only tied to one state somewhat because my dad had lived there at one point. But if I choose a college I think it should be anywhere a military dependant wants to go, not where the military gives you orders to. What about the our dreams and hopes? I had to give up my hopes to going to Washington but once again, the military forces me to adapt to another place I had no idea of going to. Scholarships and other opportunities are also unfair. For many of them, you must be located in the states. Is it my fault that I am a military brat whose parent is risking his life? People everywhere should realize that I, other military people, and veterans have dreams and hopes and we should be given the equal opportunity no matter where we were located.

So I've lived in Germany for almost 8 years and I just wanna share my experiences with everyone. I'm doing this as I go along so I'll add whatever comes to my mind so it won't be super organized, sorry. So i was living in Colorado and we were informed that we were moving to Germany. What a surprse that was. We finally reached Germany and I was thirsty. I discovered the horrors of mineral water. Blegh. The hotel were were staying at, the Kirschbaum was lovely. I had one little problem. I couldn't read the bathroom signs. Just a hint but "Damen" is women, not men because it has "men" in it. I made that mistake and walked in on some guys doin their business so let me save you the humilation. "Herren" is men. Well, the breakfast was yummy though. I discovered the joys of German bread. It's very hard but it's tasty. It's not pumped full of chemicals and preservatives like American bread so it doesn't keep as long. But there's so much to see in Germany. You'll randomly see gorgeous buildings as you're walking downtown. If you're gonna ask for help ask a young person, the old people get grouchy and they don't know a lot of English. Okay, this is a tentative part 1.

People who can split apples in half with their bare hands know what I'm talking about. When you hold an apple you can feel the point where it's going to split. You can just feel it. Strange, huh? Maybe people are like that, you can kind of feel what kind of person they are.

This is a poem I read for AP LIterature, it's called "Ethics" by Linda Pastan. It rang a bit of a chord in me. So what would you choose: the Rembrandt painting or the old woman who doesn't have many yeras left to live anyways?

"Ethics"
In ethics class so many years ago
our teacher asked this question every fall:
If there were a fire in a museum,
which would you save, a Rembrandt painting
or an old woman who hadn't many
years left anyhow? Restless on hard chairs
caring little for pictures or old age
we'd opt one year for life, the next for art
and always half-heartedly. Sometimes
the woman borrowed my grandmother's face
leaving her usual kitchen to wander
some drafty, half imagined museum.
One year, feeling clever, I replied
why not let the woman decide herself?
Linda, the teacher would report, eschews
the burdens of responsibility.
This fall in a real museum I stand
before a real Rembrandt, old woman,
or nearly so, myself. The colors
within this frame are darker than autumn,
darker even than winter-the browns of earth,
though earth's most radiant elements burn
through the canvas. I know now that woman
and painting and season are almost one
and all beyond saving by children.

I was ashamed to say, I thought of choosing the painting first but then I thought, what if that woman was my grandmother? But I realized that would be saying the same things as the painting or a little girl. Life is still life, you can't categorize it by the years, it is not yours to keep or define. I choose life.